


When you say you love me (do you mean it?)

by initial_a



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Domestic Boyfriends, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 15:16:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/initial_a/pseuds/initial_a
Summary: Renjun's been an ass but he's determined to do right by Jeno, no matter what.





	When you say you love me (do you mean it?)

Renjun wakes up in a daze—he's not sure where he is or even what day it is but what he does know, is that he feels deliciously warm; the kind of warm that sends blankets of comfort straight to the bone and an indescribable feeling of _rightness_. Renjun closes his eyes again, dwelling in the heavy haze of sleep, letting his mind drift in between sleep and wakefulness. Somewhere at the back of his mind it registers that he's in his bed and the warmth he's feeling is probably from Jeno, but before he remembers why Jeno’s slept over in the first place, he floats back into a dreamless sleep.

✨💚💭💭💭💚✨

When Renjun rouses again, he's not sure how much time has passed, it could have been five minutes or five hours; both feel like plausible answers. One thing he does know is that he’s snuggled up against Jeno; he can feel it in the grounding hand on his hip (if Renjun really focuses, he swears he can feel the callouses on Jeno's fingertips on his skin), in the familiar scent of his boyfriend that envelops him (Jeno always smells good, not just because of the cologne he uses but just his distinct ‘_Jeno_’ scent). Renjun instinctively takes a deep breath as he shuffles closer to his boyfriend, a content sigh escaping his lips before sleep takes him again.

✨💚💭💭💭💚✨

When Renjun finally opens his eyes, he remembers why Jeno had come over and all the events before and after come tumbling in one after the other. A feeling of dread drives out the pleasant hum in his bones as he recalls the texts that he had sent, the words he had said (or not said) when Jeno showed up at his door. Renjun nervously fists the front of Jeno’s sleep shirt, squirming as ice slowly creeps into his veins, his blood running cold.

“It’s still early, Injunnie, go back to sleep,” Jeno murmurs, lips smacking drowsily.

Renjun only tightens his hold on Jeno’s shirt, an anguished squeak escaping his throat.

“Renjun?” Jeno rasps out, shifting away from Renjun to try and look down at him but Renjun quickly moves to hide his face, burying it into Jeno’s broad chest, hand moving to grasp the back to Jeno’s sleep shirt instead.

“Renjun?” Renjun can almost imagine Jeno blinking confusedly down at Renjun’s mop of hair—he feels _so_ bad. “Is your head still hurting you, babe? Should I grab more Advil?”

Jeno makes to roll out of bed, but Renjun tightens his grasp on Jeno, hugging him close and burrowing his head further into Jeno’s sternum even as he shakes his head. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Jeno slots his legs in between Renjun’s as he tightens his grip on his hip to shimmy them closer together. “Then what’s wrong, babe? Had a nightmare?”

Renjun shakes his head again, biting on his lower lip anxiously. He knows he has to apologise to Jeno. Not that Jeno’s mad about it—Jeno is rarely mad, period, let alone at Renjun—but that’s the thing; just because Jeno’s not angry at Renjun doesn’t mean that Renjun wasn’t an ass.

“I’m sorry.”

The words escape his mouth so softly that he thinks Jeno probably hasn’t heard him. But of course he does; Jeno has always been so attuned to Renjun that sometimes he swears that Jeno knows Renjun better than Renjun knows himself. "Renjun? You're scaring me. What's wrong?" Jeno cards his fingers through Renjun's hair, and Renjun can feel the slight tremble of his hand, can feel Jeno’s heart start to race under his ear, and Renjun is quick to tilt his head up, immediately missing Jeno’s comforting fingers in his hair, but eager to let Jeno know he has nothing to worry about.

“It’s not you. It’s never you. You’re perfect,” Renjun says, making sure to look Jeno straight in his eyes when he does because he needs to know this—Jeno needs to know how much he means to Renjun. Jeno’s sleepy face utterly transforms into a bashful one, his eyes forming those adorable crescents as he looks away in embarrassment, his cheeks tinting pink as he makes to brush aside Renjun’s statement.

Renjun tilts Jeno’s chin down so he has no choice but to look at him, to see that Renjun isn’t just saying all this just to pander to Jeno’s ego—he really means every word. “You’re perfect to me; you are perfect for me,” Renjun murmurs. Renjun isn’t often this sentimental or transparent with his feelings so he can understand why Jeno is blinking confusedly at Renjun, as if he is unsure where exactly this conversation was leading.

“It’s just that— yesterday— I am apologising for how I behaved yesterday. I was horrid to you from start to finish and you deserve way better.”

“Oh. It’s alright. I know you were cranky because of your migraine. I didn’t min—”

“No, Jeno. Migraine or not, it doesn’t give me a free pass to be an asshole to you. All those horrible things I said—“

“You didn’t mean them—“

“That’s the thing though. I did. I meant them because at that time, I wanted to hurt you. And because I wanted to hurt you, I knew exactly what to say or do to inflict the most pain. But you still rushed all the way down here to make sure I was okay, to take care of me, and I literally slammed the door in your face, like, who even does that, Jeno?”

The disgust thrums in his veins even as the gravity of his words and actions from yesterday hit him—how could he have treated Jeno like that and still have the balls to cuddle up to him like nothing happened? How dare he! “I shouldn’t— you should—“

Jeno only tightens his hold on Renjun even as he struggles to try and squirm away. “Calm down, babe, it’s okay,” Jeno purrs soothingly, fingers running gently through the hair at the back of Renjun’s head.

“But I was so mean.”

“Yeah, you kinda were,” Jeno chuckles deep, voice still raspy from sleep.

“I called you ‘dull’. More than once.”

“Yeah, you did,” Jeno replies, kissing the top of his head.

“And I’m pretty sure I slammed the door on your foot,” Renjun pouts, tilting his head up to look at Jeno.

“Yeah, that kinda hurt, not gonna lie,” Jeno laughs, placing a soft kiss on the top of Renjun’s nose.

“Yet you’re still here.”

“I’m still here,” Jeno parrots, eyes forming into those crescents again with his soft smile, the smile Renjun knows he reserves for him and him alone. Renjun feels so unworthy.

“Why?”

Jeno scrunches his nose puzzledly, “why what?”

“Why— why are you still here, I guess,” Renjun bites his bottom lip, trying to put into words all his doubts and fears. “Why are you still here when I’m always so irritable and take out my frustrations on you and snap at you and you deserve someone way bet—“

“Hey, stop,” Jeno cuts him off with a firm hand to his mouth. “You’re not being fair to yourself, Renjun.” Jeno looks straight into Renjun’s eyes and there’s a sadness in there that forces Renjun to look away in shame. ”Don’t say things like that. That I deserve better or that I should find someone else—I chose you. I still choose you. You’re the one I want to be with.”

Renjun doesn’t know when his eyes slipped close, but the way Jeno’s calloused fingers rhythmically trace along his temple both soothes him and brings him close to tears. Jeno hikes Renjun’s leg over his hip, melding them closer together, warm hand sure and steady on Renjun’s bare thigh, thumbing it soothingly.

“Yeah, I did feel quite hurt yesterday,” Jeno murmurs, “and you say you meant to hurt me but we both know that you really didn’t. And even if you did, you’ve already apologised, and I understand and I forgive you. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”

“And besides, I kinda like it when I get to do something for you,” Jeno mumbles.

At Renjun’s quizzical hum, Jeno continues after tucking Renjun’s head firmly under his chin, “it’s just that. Well, you’re so independent and like, self-sufficient? Whenever you have problems at school or work or even back home, you’re always able to solve it yourself—which is a good thing! I’m not saying it’s a bad thing at all! But it’s like, I feel so, useless? I don’t know. Like, I don’t contribute to our relationship at all.”

Renjun tilts his head up so quick, barely avoiding clipping Jeno right in his chin. Jeno’s cheeks are tinted pink and Renjun would usually tease him for it but he’s got more pressing things on his mind. “You don’t actually think that, do you?” Renjun questions bewilderedly, “that you don’t contribute to our relationship?”

Jeno shrugs, suddenly avoiding all eye contact with Renjun and Renjun’s heart clenches. “Jeno, baby,” Renjun murmurs, “look at me please, this is important.” Honestly, Renjun is so uncomfortable right now trying to have this discussion, but when he sees the way Jeno barely manages to meet his eyes, he powers through because it only proves to Renjun how important this conversation is.

“Lee Jeno, you contribute so much to this relationship. I wouldn’t be brave enough to do half of the things I do if I didn’t know that I always have you on my side. I dare to do new things and take risks and push myself only because I know you’ll be there to steady my feet and catch me if I fall.”

“You help me be me. 100%, unabashedly me, and if that isn’t contributing to our relationship, then I don’t know what is.”

Renjun’s fighting back tears, clinging on to Jeno like a lifeline. “You’re kind and caring to a fault, and you’re so strong, more than strong enough for both of us and I rely on you so much, too much even maybe, so please don’t feel like you’re useless or don’t contribute to our relationship, you’re so so so much more than that.” Renjun sniffles.

Jeno gently thumbs away Renjun’s tears before they even get the chance to wet his cheeks, “why are you crying, babe?” he murmurs soothingly, “it’s okay, you don’t have to say anymore.”

“No no no, you need to know, Jeno, you need to know you mean the world to me,” Renjun grabs Jeno’s hand to bring it close to his chest. “Truly, Jeno. You mean so much to me. I think of you when I’m happy; I think of you when I’m sad. Just knowing that you’re with me makes me feel invincible,” Jeno bites down on his lower lip to disguise its trembling but Renjun soldiers on. “And I’m just, really mad at myself for not noticing that you’ve been feeling like this; like, I haven’t been paying enough attention to you even though you always pay so much attention to me and you always seem to know my thoughts better than m—“

”Babe, stop. Breathe.” Jeno changes Renjun’s tight grip on his hand in exchange for interlacing their fingers together—like this, Renjun can feel how rapid his heartbeat had gotten, all because he had worked himself up into a frenzy at the thought of how much he’s let Jeno down. Yet another example of how attuned Jeno is to him, when the same can’t seem to be said of Renjun.

“You’re thinking too much again,” Jeno says, a wry smile on his face. “I can see it in your eyes, babe,” Jeno sighs, pressing a kiss to the back of Renjun’s palm. “You didn’t know how I felt because I chose to keep it from you. I guess I didn’t want you to know because I’m ashamed of it? Like, in my head, I know, I know that it’s not true, I know that I contribute to our relationship in some way, shape or form. But in my heart, I doubt.” Jeno pauses to take a deep breath in—he rarely lets himself be this vulnerable in front of Renjun or anyone at all for that matter. Renjun can only tighten his grip on Jeno’s hand to offer some semblance of support. “I am trying though, I promise I am. I wanna work to fix my flaws and become a better person for you because, well, you mean the world to me too,” Jeno whispers, “and you deserve nothing but the best.”

“You are the best though,” Renjun counters. “I meant what I said just now—you are perfect to me. Instead of ‘dull’, you bring light and sparkle to my life every time you smile. Them idiots only say you’re dull because they’ve never had the chance to be on the receiving end of one of your genuine smiles; and they should never get that honour either! And your jokes are bloody hilarious, goddamnit!” Renjun chides.

Jeno giggles, a tinkling sound that takes Renjun’s breath away in the best of ways. "It's okay, babe, I'll infect you with my grandpa jokes and dullness and we can be the world's dullest couple and spend our nights just cuddling with our three pet cats and watching Youtube on autoplay."

"Autoplay? Talk abut living dangerously man, wow," Renjun sniggers, "and they say you're dull, pft!"

"What can I say? I act like a goody two-shoes but secretly I'm actually your run of the mill thug," Jeno smirks, one corner of his lips lifting in mirth.

"A thug huh?" Renjun titters, "what does that make me then? Your sidekick?"

"No way!" Jeno scoffs, "you’re my homie! We’re ride or die homies, ya feel?" Jeno tries to pull up some gang signs, but his fingers don't bend to his will and his hand ends up looking like some demented peace sign.

”Uh-huh, totally,” Renjun snickers, "Ride or die homies. I like the sound of that," Renjun gently detangles the knots that Jeno's managed to make of his fingers to weave their fingers together again, Jeno's thumb automatically moving to trace mindless shapes across the outer pad of Renjun's palm.

“Yup! Just you and me, homie! Rebelling against the archaic normative ideals that this sexist patriarchal society has thrust upon us,” Jeno laughs before his chuckles peter off, teeth finding his bottom lip again. “We’re in this together right? You and me?” Jeno asks, brows pulled together in unconcealed worry.

Renjun offers up a watery smile, “for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever, then,” Jeno smiles back.

“Then forever it shall be.”

✨💚💭💭💭💚✨

**Author's Note:**

> "fun" fact: this was written as an exploration into the different love languages and how it could affect a couple if they don't realize that they express their love in different ways—hence the distinct lack of the word "love" in this fic other than in the title. in this case, my headcanon is that renjun loves in words of affirmation and jeno loves in acts of service, but the both of them also love in physical touch ^^* i don't think i did my initial idea justice, but i am pleased anyhow. i would really appreciate it if you let me know you think! thank you, please come again!
> 
> P.S.: autoplay is the devil y'all the youtube rabbit-hole is real!!!!!
> 
>   



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